Firstly I will quickly get the Premiership out of the way as I predicted my beloved Liverpool would be top come May (miracles do happen), but right now at the midway point I would be happy with Champions League football again next year. However it was brought to my attention today in one of the morning newspapers that Arsenal have made a 10 point turnaround on Chelski and Manc U in just one month. It is clear that this premiership season has been the craziest yet with even the so called invincible Manchester United struggling to hit the heights without Ronnie and Carlos.

Premiership January Prediction

Champions: Arsenal
Runners-up: Chelsea

Moving on to the Championship. I predicted that that Newcastle would struggle after suffering relegation last year, but Chris Houghton seems to have steadied the ship, kept hold of some quality players and they look set to storm back into the top flight, what they do once they are there remains to be seen. Instead of the black and white half of the North East I opted for Middlesbrough to bounce back immediately, but with Southgate sacked when they were just 2 points from the summit, things have spiralled downwards under the stewardship of the Poisoned Ginger Dwarf that is Gordon Strachan, Boro currently sitting in eleventh and struggling to keep pace. My other two predictions for promotion from the Championship still look like possibilities, with Cardiff currently fourth and Sheffield United just outside the play-offs but only two points adrift.

Championship January Prediction

Champions: Newcastle

Runner-up: West Brom

Play-off winner: Cardiff

How about Spain. Well this one is usually pretty easy, and it just depends on the order, once again this season is no exception and my prediction of Barcelona winners and Real Madrid runner-up still look good.

Spain January Prediction

Champions: Barcelona
Runner-up: Real Madrid

In Italy I went for Juventus to topple Joe Marinho’s unstoppable Inter Machine, but so far it is Inter who are out in front nine points clear. Juventus currently sit third, but plenty to play for.

Italy January Prediction

Champions: Inter
Runner-up: Juventus

The last few seasons in Germany have seen four or five teams battle it out till the end as teams like Woflsburg, Werder Bremen and Shalke all began to push Bayern Munich all the way. This year has been no exception, and due to this my prediction is slightly out. Werder Bremen, my tip for the top currently sit sixth and Munich are currently third. The league is so tight though and anything can happen between now and May.

Germany January Prediction

Champions: Bayern Munich
Runner-up: Shalke

Well it is safe to say Bordeaux have completely messed up my predictions for the French league, they are currently nine points clear off Lille in second with my predictions Marseille and Lyon off the pace in fourth and sixth respectively.

France January Prediction

Champions: Bordeaux
Runner-up: Marseille

In Portugal FC Porto are third and Benfica as I predicted are placed second at this stage. My prediction still looks on the cards but current leaders FC Braga may have something to say about it.

Portugal January Prediction

Champions: FC Porto
Runner-up: Benfica

The best of the rest sees my predictions for the champions in Greece, Belgium, Denmark, Finland, Norway, Switzerland, Ireland, and of course Kazakhstan all correct and in fact in Denmark, Ireland and Kazakhstan I have both the league leaders and the runner-up correct at this stage.

Oh if only I was a betting man!

Tippet has already been on the phone to him worried about the prospect of having to drink lots and keep up with the bigger boys. Waller is currently at home sharpening his elbows just in case…ACT don’t REACT is his motto (it is tattooed a th0uosand times on the inside of his skin…thats how dangerous he is).

Anyway amidst my boredom or impatience as I salivate at even the thought of a frothy beverage touching my lips…i need beer! I thought it would be funny or interesting to see how many more of each player there was in the world and more to the point what they looked like?

Hmmmm…you may have played this game at somepoint yourself. You go to Google images and you basically type the name of someone and then whatever photo appears first that is their namesake. I have taken it to a new level and done this for 40 of the Girton squad, apologies to the A-Team as I don’t know enough names yet and every time I put Chester in it came up with a map of the city!?!

So checkout the gallery below…I would like you to pay particular attention to Phil Wright’s picture, its my personal favourite oh and the fact that the other Matt Mee in this world also has a healthy crop of silver hair, just like Greyskull himself.

Hover over the thumbnails below to see the name of the player in question. Click on the photo to see a larger image.

[View with PicLens]

12►

So what is it with penalties? Everyone who has taken one (myself included) will understand that increased feeling of pressure that builds up inside, even when being watched by the grand total of twelve fans on Saturday afternoon at the local recreation ground.

No matter where you are there is something about that penalty spot that makes the goal seem ten time smaller, the spot ten yards further away and the keeper ten feet tall and ten feet wide.

Deal with this pressure, shut it out of your mind, pick your spot and you are half way towards scoring. After all it takes a very good guess from a keeper to get close to a ball struck from just twelve yards, or as we so often see a very poor penalty.

This once again has seen me delve into the world of online video to find out a little bit more about penalties in the professional game.

So before you go out and waste £11.98 on Danny Dyers Football Foul Ups take a look at some of the best and worst penalty kicks you will ever see.

You can buy Danny Dyers Football Foul Up’s at Amazon today! (Cheeky little freebie advert, actually is a great christmas present, unless you have Danny Bakers Own Goals and Gaffs Volume 1 to50, or Johnny Vaughan’s Own Goals and Gaffs or  Rory McGrath’s Own Goals and Gaffs etc etc etc etc).

Johan Cruyff – Doing it how Pires and Henry should have done it!

Pires – How not to do the Cruyff

Six of the worst ever

And just for a laugh – How to win a penalty (Stonewall!)

I am sure the name Banks springs to mind immediately, but was this really the best save of all time? Its up for debate, I personally would say it is certainly in the top 5, the stage, the opponent, the way he clawed the ball over the bar, it all adds up to a fantastic goalkeeping moment.

So as I once again put my own thoughts together and add them to an endless search through Google, YouTube and other popular video sites I have decided on two saves, I could not split them, one is audacious and amazing the other is a miracle at work. Both are double saves which make them even more special.

Jerzey Dudek
Liverpool v AC Milan, Champions League Final 2005

As a Liverpool fan and someone who was in the stadium that night this has to go down as my number one. Whether it was divine intervention or pure reflex it was quite possibly the most unbelievable save ever particularly with the circumstances surrounding it. The miracle was not only in the reflex save, but also the save before it. To get down to the ball and then get up again and still manage to get something on the ball and turn it over the bar when the angle looked impossible was simply amazing.

Gregory Coupet
Lyon v Barcelona, Champions League 2001

This save has to be my second favourite. As a neutral some may argue that this is the best save ever. Another double save, this time from Lyon’s Gregory Coupet. How on earth he managed to pull this off is beyond me and to do it against one of the worlds greatest ever footballers (Rivaldo) makes it even more impressive, couple that with the fact his own defender got him the situation and once again you have the perfect ingredients to stake a claim for the best save ever.

As well as these two videos I have found a fantastic YouTube video with some of the most outrageous saves ever. (Try back healing the ball over your own crossbar when chipped from 50 yards! one keeper did). Enjoy.

I mean think about it, yes there is an injustice here and yes Ireland are right to be angry and upset, but at the same time could you really expect Thierry Henry to stop his actions in mid play, run over to the referee and say “Bonjour monsieur I am very sorry but I seemed to have handled the ball” Give me a break!

And as for replaying the game, that is just ludicrous. How about Ireland go back and discuss how they only scored one out five clear chances they had and how if they had been more clinical in front of goal this whole handball fiasco would not be an issue.

Whilst I sympathise with Ireland and don’t for one condone what Henry did, I still believe it is part of the beauty of football, you win some you lose some, this just happened to be worth a few million Euro’s.

I tell you what though, the officials and in particular the linesman have got off fairly lightly, I have heard a few moans and groans and quite rightly they will be banned from officiating high profile games, but come on!!! the linesman must have been Mr Magoo, Stevie Wonder or David Blunkett to not have seen the second handball (the one in which Henry caught it, bounced it a few times, stuck it up his shirt and then threw it Gallas…over exaggeration?)

Surely the linesman should be demoted to say bog-wash boy in an afghan prison (is that too harsh?), I cannot believe he did not see it. After all this I believe Blatter and Platini will be loving it and we will soon have 47 referees at each end of the pitch, 4 in the middle and 300 hundred down the sidelines or even worse one per player, it will be like a buddy system, or something similar to the UEFA Cup system in place now.

Anyway I am ranting on a bit, but I think what I am trying to say is that this is just another reason why football is loved around the world, it provides so many talking points, so many heartbreaking situations (especially if you are an England fan) and so many euphoric moments. Football doesn’t need to become robotic like other sports, before you know it their will be more randomness in FIFA 2010 than there is in a Premier League Match.

I think that whilst goal line video evidence should be brought in, I don’t think we should get too hung up on handballs, and diving. Punish the player (3 game ban, fine maybe even season long ban etc) but not replay the game! Imagine it, every contentious decision looked at by a panel of old fuddy duddies round a table, then a week later the game is replayed, it’s not going to work, we will be playing never ending seasons of football. Football needs to consider the direction it is heading.

Finally answer me this, would you have not handled the ball there? Would you have told the referee like a good citizen? (I think I know the answer to 99% of you).

Anyway just to remind people of an even more outrageous handball here is our pal Maradona.

Anyway after reading Ian Wrights article in the news this morning about how Ferguson should really be getting his own house in order as a priority (much like Benitez needs to do with Liverpool I may add, well aware that one result doesn’t turn a season, but it’s the best place to start) I started thinking about the referees and what were the worst decisions of all time.

Here is my compilation of refereeing howlers:

LES MOTTRAM –Partick Thistle v Dundee United

This has to be seen to be believed. The Scottish whistler was in charge at Firhill when Paddy Connolly fired in from a yard out for Dundee United.

The ball bounced off the stanchion and back into the six-yard area – where a Partick defender picked it up, ready to head back to the centre circle.

Remarkably, Mottram not only missed the goal but also missed the handball, waving for play to continue.

The following season Scottish clubs abandoned the old-style goalposts with stanchions.

GRAHAM POLL – Australia v Croatia

Poll has never been a stranger to controversy and his critics were given plenty of ammunition when he messed up on the biggest stage of all – the World Cup.

Poll had been tipped as a possible World Cup final referee – but his tournament ended in the group stage with his famous three-card trick.

After booking Croatia’s Josip Šimuniæ, Poll then failed to send the same player off when he booked him a second time and only showed him red when issuing a third yellow card.

STUART ATTWELL – Watford v Reading

The strangest decision of the lot? In a Championship match last year Reading winger Stephen Hunt’s corner hit Watford defender John Eustace and looked to go out of play for another corner.

Unbelievably Attwell awarded a goal much to the bemusement of the Reading and Watford players.

CHARLES CORVER – France v West Germany

West Germany keeper Harald Schumacher’s vicious attack on France’s Patrick Battiston was the most brutal foul ever seen on a football pitch.

But Corver missed the foul and awarded a goal-kick as Battiston lay motionless on the pitch with his own teeth lying around him.

Germany went on to win on penalties and book a place in the World Cup final – Battison eventually recovered but only after slipping into a coma.

PAUL LEWIS – Man Utd v Spurs

Tottenham Hotspur looked to have secured a famous win at Old Trafford back in 2005 when Pedro Medes’ audacious effort from the halfway line beat Roy Carroll.

However, despite the ball having clearly crossed the line, assistant referee Lewis did not give the goal as the game finished in a 0-0 draw.

So there you have it. Can you think of anymore?

Ferguson as always has something to say, and if it isn’t going his way then it can’t be solely down to the fact that Ben Foster f*cked up! but I suppose no manager should air his dirty linen in public and I am sure Foster got the hair drier treatment from the red faced alcoholic “sweaty sock”.

Anyway away  from the ranting and raving. Managers have been renouned for coming out with the most ludicrous statements, so as usual I have trawled the web (gone a bit further than Skysports this time) to bring some classic manager quotes.

Bill Shankly

“If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.” The winning philosophy.

“Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I’m very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.” The most famous of Shankly lines.

“Football is a simple game based on the giving and taking of passes, of controlling the ball and of making yourself available to receive a pass. It is terribly simple.” How Shankly’s teams played.

“Of course I didn’t take my wife to see Rochdale as an anniversary present. It was her birthday. Would I have got married in the football season? Anyway, it was Rochdale reserves.” Shankly rejects suggestions he is not the romantic type.

“The trouble with referees is that they know the rules, but they do not know the game.” An oft-repeated remark.

Brian Clough

“If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds, he’d have put grass up there.”   On the importance of passing to feet.

“I wouldn’t say I was the best manager in the business. But I was in the top one.” Looking back at his success.

“Manchester United in Brazil? I hope they all get bloody diarrhea.” On Man Utd opting-out of the FA Cup to play in the World Club Championship.

“I can’t even spell spaghetti never mind talk Italian. How could I tell an Italian to get the ball – he might grab mine.”  On the influx of foreign players.

“I bet their dressing room will smell of garlic rather than liniment over the next few months.” On the number of French players at Arsenal.

“Rome wasn’t built in a day. But I wasn’t on that particuar job.”   On getting things done.

“I only ever hit Roy the once. He got up so I couldn’t have hit him very hard.” On dealing with Roy Keane.

Jose Mourinho

“If I had wanted to be protected in a quiet job, I could have stayed at Porto. I would have been second, after God, in the eyes of the fans even if I had never won another thing.”

Upon his arrival at Chelsea in 2004, Jose had the hacks purring with his quotability. Above is just one of the nuggets he came out with when asked about his decision to take on a high profile gig at Stamford Bridge.

“For me, pressure is bird flu. I’m feeling a lot of pressure with the problem in Scotland. It’s not fun and I’m more scared of it than football.”

“I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks, speaks, speaks about Chelsea.”

Besmirching Arsene Wenger’s reputation in October 2005, a remark for which Jose later apologised.

“As we say in Portugal, they brought the bus and they left the bus in front of the goal. I would have been frustrated if I had been a supporter who paid £50 to watch this game because Spurs came to defend.”

Accusing Tottenham Hotspur of failing to make a game of it in the wake of a 2004 Premier League tie, coining another catch-phrase in the process.

And the quote that launched a thousand opinions; When he arrived at Chelsea as Champions League-winning manager, some doubts existed over his suitability to work, and indeed, win in the Premier League. Water off a duck’s back, the phrase goes.

“Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.”

Sir Bobby Robson

We didn’t underestimate them but they were a lot better than we thought – after England sneaked through against Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup.

The first 90 minutes are the most important.

I’m not going to look beyond the semi-final – but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final.

If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won’t lay any eggs in the basket.

There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and that might be the game they lose.

Steve Hodge has been unfit for two weeks, well, no, for 14 days.

Look at those olive trees – they’re two hundred years old – from before the time of Christ! – Sir Bobby illustrates how great life is in Barcelona.

He never fails to hit the target – but that was a miss.

Sir Bobby to Bryan Robson: Good morning, Bobby. Bryan: You’re Bobby, I’m Bryan!

Alex Ferguson

“If he was an inch taller he’d be the best centre half in Britain. His father is 6ft 2in – I’d check the milkman.” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Gary Neville)

“Pippo Inzaghi was born in an offside position.” (Sir Alex Ferguson on Pippo Inzaghi after finding out that Pippo is the most offside player in the football ever.)

“As with every young player, he’s only 18.” (Alex Ferguson on youngsters)

“It was particularly pleasing that our goalscorers scored tonight.” (Alex Ferguson on scoring goals)

“If we can play like that every week, we’ll get some level of consistency.” (Alex Ferguson on consistency)

Gordon Strachan

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don’t care, I’m Scottish!

Reporter: “Gordon, can we have a quick word please?”
Strachan: “Velocity” [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, “No, I think they should have got George Graham because I’m useless.”

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I’ve still got a job so it’s far better than the Coventry one, that’s for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We’re not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don’t know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us
to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You’re spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado? (after Delgado went AWOL)
Strachan: I’ve got more important things to think about. I’ve got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you’ll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won’t you?
Strachan: You’re right. It is a daft question. I’m not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you’re spot on
there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I’m just going to crumble like a wreck. I’ll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can
take it, yeah.

Reporter: There’s no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we’re all quite positive round here. I’m going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative
man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It’s a secret.

Reporter: You don’t take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don’t take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

Ian Holloway

“I don’t see the problem with footballers taking their shirts off after scoring a goal. They enjoy it and the young ladies enjoy it too.

“I suppose that’s one of the main reasons women come to football games to see the young men take their shirts off. Of course they’d have to go and watch another game because my lads are as ugly as sin,” was just one of his quotes from the past.

“To put it in gentleman’s terms, if you’ve been out for a night and you’re looking for a young lady and you pull one, you’ve done what you set out to do. We didn’t look our best today but we’ve pulled. Some weeks the lady is good looking and some weeks they’re not.

“Our performance today would have been not the best looking bird and at least we got her in the taxi. She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let’s have coffee.”

“Right now, everything is going wrong for me – if I fell in a barrel load of boobs, I’d come out sucking my thumb.”

Others

That’s great, tell him he’s Pele, and get him back on – John Lambie, Partick Thistle Manager, when told his concussed striker did not know who he was.

“You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn – there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box.” Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.

However it did give me inspiration for a blog post.

Well that, the Sol Campbell debarcle and the comedy that came with the arrival and instant departure of Super Nas! Right-Back? Left Back? In the hole? who knows…did he?

Seeing that Sol Campbell had upsticks again after just one game in the lower reaches of the professional game I also learnt that last week Super Nas had moved to Barrington, played under a different name (which didn’t mean much to his team mates who continiously called him Nas) and then got sent-off before giving a false name to the referee (turned out he gave the name of a 17 year old, possibly with the name Tarquin).

So was this Girton United’s shortest career? (Are there more?)

Anyway, all this got me thinking, so I took a bit of time out and decided to trawl the web (well Skysports and the Daily Mirror) to find out what the shortest stay at one club was.

My Findings!

1. Hameur Bouazza, Sivasspor

The former Fulham winger signed for Turkish outfit Sivasspor in August and duly made his debut in the 0-3 defeat against Shakhtar Donetsk. Bouazza has since informed Sivasspor officials that he no longer wishes to remain in Turkey and the club has agreed to terminate his contract. So much for Turkish delight!

2. Dietmar Hamann, Bolton

Not one of Sam Allardyce’s finest moments. Big Sam snapped up Hamann in July 2006 on a free transfer from Liverpool – insisting it was his “best bit of business”. However, within 24 hours, the German international had completed a move to Manchester City – in the days when the Blues still had more in common with Steptoe & Son than Harrods.

3. Ali Dia, Southampton

Graeme Souness must have thought he was on to a winner when he snapped up George Weah’s ‘cousin’ following a glowing recommendation from the former AC Milan striker. Except, it wasn’t Weah who had sung his praises and Dia was about as reliable as Ledley King’s wobbly knees!

To make matters worse, Dia replaced Matt Le Tisser after the Saints star picked up a calf injury in a League clash against Leeds in November 1996. According to Le Tiss, he “ran around like Bambi on ice” and was soon spared any further embarrassment when Souness hauled him off. Suffice to say, he was never seen in a Saints shirt again.

4. Clive Allen, Arsenal

Arsenal paid QPR £1,250,000 for Allen in the summer of 1980 -  a huge sum for a teenager in those days. He spent two months at Highbury, played in three pre-season friendlies, and was then swapped for Crystal Palace full-back Kenny Sansom!

5. Christian Vieri, Sampdoria

The Italian international has been through more clubs than Jordan! Famed for his brief stays, he lasted a mere 35 days at Sampdoria following a switch from French giants Monaco in the summer of 2006. He severed his ties with the Genoa side after just over a month to rejoin Atalanta for the second of three spells with the Nerazzurri.

6. Joey Beauchamp, West Ham

Wheeler dealer Harry Redknapp is famed for his ways in the transfer market, but this is one move he’ll want to forgot. Redknapp snapped up Oxford’s prize asset for a record £1.2million, but the midfielder was soon on his way back to the Manor Ground. Sick of travelling back and forth between Oxford and London, he returned to the lower-league side after just 58 days with the Hammers.

7. David Unsworth, Aston Villa

Unsworth joined Aston Villa for £3million from West Ham in 1998, but he never kicked a ball in anger for the Midlands club. He was there for just about a month before Everton coughed up the same £3m to take him back to Goodison Park where he had begun his career seven years earlier.

8. Mauricio Taricco, West Ham

The Argentine defender made the short journey across London to join West Ham from Tottenham in November 2004. However, no sooner had he donned the Claret and Blue then he was waving goodbye to the Hammers. Just 27 minutes into his debut against Millwall, he pulled a hamstring, ruling him out for a minimum of eight weeks. Taricco then stunned everyone by offering to cancel his contract – an act which boss Alan Pardew claimed was one of the most honest things he’d seen by a footballer.

9. Roberto Ayala, Villarreal

The tough-tackling Argentine had agreed to join Villarreal from Valencia in 2007 but, following his return from Copa America duty, he opted out of the move. He then had to fork out £6m Euros to buy out his contract before joining Real Zaragoza.

10. Marco Boogers, West Ham

Another shocker from Harry Redknapp. He signed the Dutch striker from Sparta Rotterdam for £800,000 in 1995 and, though he might have won a few plaudits for roughing up Manchester United’s Gary Neville on his second appearance – a challenge which subsequently saw him sent off – the Hammers boss admitted his howler and got rid of the forward. Redknapp revealed: “I signed Marco Boogers off a video. He was a good player but a nutter. They didn’t show that on the video.”

I had a little look back to 2007 when we found ourselves staring at our televisions at a supposedly very English England team as they trudged off the wet Wembley turf and into the record books as the most embarrassing England team ever, lead of course by an Englishman who was very very English (despite his very Scottish Ginger hair and red face).

Whilst looking back I came across an article written by another very very English Englishman Jeremy Clarkson and his take on what happened that night. The article in the Times was headlined “We’ve Been Robbed of Our Englishness” (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/jeremy_clarkson/article2935442.ece). The article whilst not directly linked to football was inspired by the lack of passion, organisation and most importantly lack of pride that was shown that night during the national anthem.

Fast forward to the present day and we are still being told we have lost our Englishness, but after watching the game on Wednesday night I get the feeling we may have re-discovered it and if anything showed more Englishness than we have in a long time, and it has taken an Italian task master to bring our England team back to something resembling a quality team again.

This brings me on to our very own Girton United and how in someway we can be compared to England. Take a look at the comparisons.

Five years ago England were under the management of Sven and boasted plenty of talent but had little direction and ultimately failed to live up to any expectation.

Girton whilst maybe not expected to reach the dizzy heights of Sven’s millionaires were also under management that offered little direction. I don’t want to mention the name but you would be made to stand to attention by this sergeant, do sprint drills even before the warm up and walk out of the changing room on match day discussing ways in which you could avoid doing anything that was discussed during the pre-match team talk.

Fast forward five years and like England, Girton now have direction and purpose, it has in truth been in place a bit longer at Girton but the point is both sides know exactly what they need to do each game and most importantly each and every player believes in the football philosophy that is instilled into the club by the managers, and like England, Girton’s style is very English, pass and move and when possession is lost work your bollocks off to win it back. We laugh at the 70ft white sheets of paper in the changing room before a game that are full of long words that many don’t understand, but we all agree with those words and when put into practice, like it was last weekend the results, like England’s on Wednesday night are devastating.

Where better to start than with the man who got the papers writing last week.

Step up or fall down whichever you do best Arsenal’s mr Eduardo da Silva.

How is it possible that Eduardo can undo all the good will and sympathies from a near career ending injury within seconds?

Answer: Do  what he did against Celtic and suddenly from an object of sympathy (leg-break), he becomes an object of shame.

And because of this I have decided to put together a list of those dirty rotten scoundrels who are continuously shot by snipers hidden high above in the stands.

Rivaldo:

Does anyone know if he’s been doing this sort of thing in Uzbekistan? Does anyone care? No? Okay, moving on.

Dida:

It takes a special breed of idiocy to be caught diving as a keeper. Reminds me also of the Lehman versus Drogba handbags at ten paces incident not so long ago.

Alberto Gilardino

Morten Gamst Pedersen

Kun Aguero:

Such an amazing talent, but one of the worst divers in the modern game. The boy falls over for fun, wonder what father in law Diego Maradona thinks of it all?

Kris Boyd

Cristiano Ronaldo

There are many, many, many quality dives from which to choose. Ths guy wrote the the book and re-wrote the book on how to con the referee. Disgrace!

The Italian Civil War (Luca Toni & Marco Materazzi)

For two big men, they sure go down without a great deal of difficulty.

Emerson Acuna

I have seen some bad dives before. This is beyond words.

Didier Drogba

I am not even going to start on this one. The bloke is not worth my words!

Knut Fostervold

if you can put Norwegian domestic football into the headlines, it can’t be good.